me and my tambourine

Now that I'm 40, I'm thinking it's time for me to fulfill one of my deepest desires. You know, to become a rock star.

Well, I've been giving it some serious thought. I asked some of the really talented singer-type friends in my life if they think it's possible for a very average kitchen singer like me to learn how to sing. Believe it or not, they said it is.

I've heard this several times before. Experts say that anyone can be taught how to sing. Of course, it takes 83 years and by that time, your voice is kind of wobbly and you can't really do any dramatic moves on stage, so it's kind of pointless.

So, I've been trying to figure out how I can take my talentless lip syncing show on the road. And I do think I have a pretty good idea. I stink at the piano, I have no clue about the guitar, my singing is pretty weak, and I don't have any experience on the drums.

But what about the tambourine? I can shake a tambourine like nobody's business. And you should see me with the maracas. And the cow bell? Well, just get out of the way because I can "clock, clock, clock, clock... clock, clock, clock" out some rhythm on that thing.

So, here's my plan. I go to a really contemporary church and the people on the worship team are pretty much like rock stars in my mind. I'm thinking I could start there. Maybe I could get a spot in the worship band, playing the tambourine.

I really got serious about this idea a few weeks ago when one of the ladies on the worship team let it slip that no one is really THAT crazy about playing the tambourine! So, they NEED me, huh?!? Here's my chance!

But as I've been going through this in my mind, I know I have a few obstacles I would still need to overcome:

1. Whatever I try in life, I have a tendency to take my job a little too seriously. I know that during each song, I would be stressing over how exactly I should play the tambourine. It's not as straightforward as it looks. Should I shake it up high with one hand? Or should I hit it against my leg? Or should I just do the tambourine hand clap?

I can see it now. In the middle of rehearsal, I would be going up to the leader, saying, "Excuse me. Do you think I'm doing OK here with the tambourine?" And he would be like, "HELLLOOO?!? The rest of us are trying to play ACTUAL instruments here! The tambourine isn't exactly the focal point. Would you mind to just kind of scoot back there by the piano and be a little bit quieter?"

2. So, then, I have a feeling that I might get a little bored just shaking my tambourine, and I would try to get the female vocalists to join me in some choreographed dance moves. "Come on, girls. Just step, step, step, turn, clap! It's easy." And they would be like, "Yeah. No. We don't really do a dance step on worship team."

3. I can see it now, no dance steps, no tambourine jamming... I would probably get it in my head that I could be helpful to the lead singer. You know how during a concert, the lead singer will run up to the other band members and hold up his microphone so they can sing together?

So, I would decide to try it. I would run up to the guitar player and start jingling my tambourine. He would get totally off track and be like, "Um. Would you mind to stop playing the tambourine in my ear? You're kind of piercing my ear drum."

4. Finally, I would take my place, standing still behind everyone else with my tambourine. I would look out at the crowd and realize, "Oh my. All of those people are looking at us." A blank stare would fall across my face, I would drop my tambourine in terror and run off the stage.

I'm really thinking I'm not ready to take my tambourine act in public. And I don't think the public is ready for my tambourine.

But if you want to stop by my kitchen, I have a mean song and dance act ready to go. And, yes. It includes a tambourine.